Holding on to You
by Nanospirt
Summary: Castiel and Dean experienced many horrifying creatures in Purgatory. Cas, in particular, finds himself with a creature like none he had ever met, and he is matched with extreme consequences. Castiel might never be able to get over it, but the intentions of the monster stumble him back quite a bit. [non-con, mpreg, (may or may not follow storyline), angst, Destiel moments]
1. Chapter 1

Castiel, Dean, and Benny sprinted through the underbrush of the forest, bolting away from the creatures who were close behind them. There was little sound, besides the snarling of the monsters, and the panting of the three refugees in Purgatory, seeking for just the tiniest of a sanctuary for the night. Purgatory had changed all of them, least of all Benny, who had been there for God knows how long. Dean became more alert, Castiel quieter and had begun to noticeably resemble a human more than an angel. Benny was becoming accustomed to cooperating with beings who would normally be enemies. This, of course, was inspired by the two common mutualities: escaping Purgatory, and staying alive while doing so.

Castiel had been a tribute to torture, and Purgatory was a perfect example of one that had torn him apart from the inside out. Being utterly vulnerable was a grievous emotion to the angel who had gotten into this mess due to his conceitedness and hope for self-purpose. Dean had no conjecture about what his only trustworthy companion was intending on implementing. He assumed they would abscond this prison in tandem, but that was not at all what Castiel had in mind.

Cas was only a setback for his determined companion. Every so often, Castiel's mind drifted back to all those weeks ago, when Dean discovered him in a paralyzed position in the forest.

 _Castiel appeared next to Dean, dazed and confused. The moment Cas discerned his comrade to the right of him, he sensed a perilous presence: leviathan. He immediately realized that Dean wouldn't stand a chance in this hellhole if Castiel remained with him. Confidant Dean could hold off the creatures, Castiel fleed._

 _Unsure of where he had landed, Castiel observed his surroundings. There was a stream, a petite beach, and heaps of growing timber surrounding the location and everywhere as far as the naked eye could see. Once again, Castiel felt the uneasiness of the millions of monsters who lurked, ready to pounce at any moment. A celestial being such as himself would attract unimaginable attention. Cas took the serene seconds to sit with his back to a tree, as he desperately needed to think. It had been an extremely long period of time from when he was in this particular place of mind, as to when his mental state had deteriorated._

 _Cas's thoughts were focused on all the unforgivable crimes he had convicted against humanity, heaven, and even hell. He felt he needed to atone for his impulsive blunders. Maybe remaining in Purgatory could coequal his mistakes, force him to face his deserved consequences._

 _Castiel was positive Dean wouldn't approve of his strategy to pay for his wrongs. He had always been very protective of the angel, as he was family._

 _Cas heard a snap from somewhere behind the shrubs that layered the lower parts of the forest. He felt the presence of another being, but it was definitely not Dean. Making sure he didn't give away his location, Cas peered behind and observed a barbaric thug, trudging in his direction. Based on the way he was looking from side to side, the man was obviously searching for something… or someone._

 _Castiel still didn't have the strength to teleport himself from the location. He was beginning to panic. In his condition, Castiel wouldn't be able to defeat this creature, not without Dean. Well, it was his choice to separate himself from Dean, so that meant he had to serve penance for his actions, and it was pay-day._

 _Castiel quickly shuffled his back up the stump of the tree, careful not to make any noise. The monster was of a species that Cas didn't recognize, but it sure seemed vicious. He got closer and closer, but then he stopped._

" _Castiel? Castiel! I know you're out here. Come to me!" he shouted._

 _Castiel was now panting, heart racing from anticipation. He thought he had built up the strength to fly away, but was unfortunately interrupted when he stepped on a dry leaf. The unknown creature had located him, and the intimidation radiating off of him was humongous. Cas was thrown against the tree with the predator's forearm on his chest and hand over his mouth. The man was snarling with pure-hot rage… No, it wasn't rage… It was… Passion?_

 _Before Castiel knew what was happening, the monster stripped Cas of his trenchcoat, and pretty much everything on his upper body._

' _He must be looting me,' Castiel thought. His suspicions were denied when the man grinned maniacally. He began to undo the button on Castiel's pants, zipper down directly after._

 _Castiel frowned, unsure of exactly what was occurring._

" _Wh-What are doing?" Castiel managed through a crevice in the wall that was the monster's hand. The smile had never wiped from his face, and he began to pull Castiel's pants all the way to his ankles, underwear slightly after. Once this happened, Castiel finally built up the awareness that he should struggle to break free. his head moved from side to side until the hand released his mouth. What he didn't realize was that it was on purpose. The man used that hand to unbutton his own pants, smirking as if Castiel wasn't horrified, and this was something he did every day._

 _That was when the real torture began. He was expecting violence when he saw this monster, but this was (by far) worse. As Castiel continued to struggle, the perpetrator got more and more athletic. Castiel's breathing was rugged and raspy from all the screaming he attempted, and all of his failed escapes._

 _Right when Castiel was about to give up, giving in to the monster's will, Cas heard it._

" _Hey buddy, I really need you here. I'm not even sure if you can hear me, but I don't know… I guess this gives me a little closure. Listen man, there are monsters everywhere. I'm sure they're all looking for the two of us. Just, be careful and make your way back to me."_

 _Dean_

 _Dean had actually prayed to him, pleading for his return. Castiel still knew he needed to serve his penance, but Dean needed him right now. Cas needed Dean. He had little to no control over his body at that exact moment, but maybe he could seize an opportunity._

 _As the man took a two second break (at most), Cas took those precious seconds to knee him in the abdomen. He stumbled backwards, and Castiel stepped forward and sliced him in the neck with his angel blade, which he didn't know he possessed at the moment. When Cas finished the job, he almost tripped back as he knocked his back against the tree. The attack had used up the last ounce of strength he had left. Cas had bruising on his face, chest, and elsewhere. Standing up once more would be strenuous to his already feeble condition._

 _Castiel zipped his pants up, hands trembling. Normally, something so simple would be simple, but doing almost anything felt like a strain on his mind and body. He was almost sure that Purgatory was turning him into a human, which was why teleporting had been difficult in the first place. This, unfortunately, meant he couldn't heal himself from the injuries he had acquired. His only hope right now was Dean… but he just wanted to lay down… and fall… asleep._

 ** _Hey there, so I am very excited about this story already. I, unfortunately, am easily distracted, so expect the next chapter by next week. I promise it will be longer, I just really wanted to get this story out here! Please feel free to add any constructive criticism or tell me if you like it. You don't have to, of course. It just kinda feels nice to know people enjoy my stories, or want to add suggestions. I already have the entire thing planned out, but it's perfectly fine to tell me something you think would happen. Anyways, thank you for reading to the end of this chapter! I really appreciate it!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, so new chapter (I'm absorbed in this fanfic). It's holiday break and it's time to write some more. Let's do this. Previous chapter: Dean and Cas appeared in Purgatory, and Cas left him. Unfortunately, Castiel was raped by an unknown creature while he was on his own. After escaping, Cas is too tired to go on, but knows he needs to find Dean once again.**

Dean looked to his right, seeing the vampire who had saved him from an attack just moments ago. He pondered why Castiel would leave him alone to such terrifying monsters at a time like this. Dean also knew that Cas likely wouldn't be able to handle himself alone in Purgatory, as he himself had to be saved by a lonesome vampire with a Louisiana accent. After being in the hellhole for what felt like years, the only thing Dean was certain of was that he would not depart Purgatory without Cas by his side.

Dean took just a moment of their peace to consider that Cas had left him purely out of terror, therefor only for personal reasons. Maybe Cas was just plainly the selfish dick who he was back when he set the leviathans free in the first place. Either way, Purgatory was already terrifyingly difficult to adjust to for Dean, someone who had grown up defeating monsters on the regular. Cas, however, was previously an angel who had never truly set foot on Earth, and had recently machined his spirit through literal hell. Cas was damaged, and there was little doubt that he wouldn't make it very far in a place crawling with monsters.

Finding Cas was his top priority at the moment, no matter what the cost. Benny was merely a factor who would assist him in his journey. Getting him and Cas out was their endgame, and Benny was a piece in the puzzle, and he knew it. Somehow, he was strangely loyal. Benny could very well be a valuable asset when best comes to worst.

Dean began to drift off, but he quickly learned that dreams cannot be remembered when souls are already in the very zone all nightmares take place. As Dean started falling asleep, he was seemingly snapped back to consciousness when Benny clapped, causing Dean to twitch his head violently to the left.

"Rise and shine, ghost whisperer," Benny said with a grin. He slapped his hands on his thighs and began to stand himself up slowly with a grunt. Dean sighed and leaned his head up again the tree he was slumbering near. He closed his eyes for a moment and took his time to stand.

"I say we get that angel. The sooner we get him, the sooner we get this show on the road," Benny followed up with. Dean nodded and they began to stride quickly through the trees, searching for any sign that Castiel had passed by there. Unfortunately, no signs of him were present from the path they were taking. _Fortunately_ , there were very few creatures hunting them that day.

When the dark of night began to approach, Dean almost wanted to give up his search, almost certain that he had been eaten or some other variety of death already. _Would_ he give up? Of course not.

Just as dusk arrived, Benny pointed out that his senses had caught up on a significant sound: water. He informed Dean of his discovery, and they made their way toward the noises. Soon, Dean could hear it as well. He was more determined than ever to reunite with that fallen angel of his. As they began to sprint, Benny stopped, placed an arm straight over Dean's chest. His eyebrows furrowed.

"What is it?" Dean asked, the smile which he wasn't aware arrived disappearing.

"I smell him, or at least I think I can smell him. But he isn't alone… Based on the way I hear things, only one of them is breathing," He said as quietly as possible.

Could this be the end of Cas? Did Cas already die alone, without Dean by his side? Without anyone to comfort him to eternal sleep? No. Castiel had rebelled his home, Heaven mind you, attempted to become God, aided Dean in defeated one of the most indestructible monsters ever to roam the Earth, among much more. Cas would never be able to die knowing that the Winchesters (especially Dean) weren't safe.

The sprint in which they had descended quickly arose into a bolt, Dean taking the lead. The moments in between Dean and Castiel felt like an eternity to Dean, as if every step took him one pace backwards. Eventually, the scene reached his eyes. There were two beings: one dead and bloody, the other unconscious. It took a very short amount of time to realize that the one who was dead had a deformed face, nose twisted, eyes lumpy and jaw slightly stretched. There was a small pile of clothes lying near the other body, and it didn't take long to notice that they were beige, just like Castiel's normal attire. After noticing this, his eyes darted to the unconscious figure, whose shirt was not acquired, pants hastily pulled up.

Dean quickly understood the situation, worry spreading throughout his mind for the angel, who was a virgin, based on his knowledge. The adrenaline he gathered from his anxiety allowed him to run like a lightning bolt towards Castiel. Within seconds, Dean was right next to Cas, crouching by his unconscious form. He began to lift Cas's upper half up, head in either one of his hands. Dean shook Cas's head slightly.

"Cas? Cas, c'mon buddy. Wake up," he urged, voice quickly breaking. He realized that it was very soft of his character to nearly cry, even though Cas wasn't technically dead. Dean just had very few people he could trust, Cas being one of them, and he needed a friend more than ever. Losing 'one of the best friends he ever had' would truly be hell, especially in Purgatory.

Castiel's eyes began to open in the slightest, eyebrows furrowing, worry lines appearing. The sounds he made were very quiet and indistinct. Dean responded right after taking a moment to smile and sighing with relief.

"W-Wha-?" Cas managed out. Dean's smile disappeared as he reached over for the clothing, right hand still in use to support some of Cas's weight.

"C'mon, Cas. Let me help you," Dean offered, no real input needed from Cas, still struggling to remember what happened to him in recent hours. Dean took the white shirt from the psychiatric ward and lifted it over Cas's head, working his arms through. He draped the trenchcoat over Cas's shoulders and brought him to his chest in an embrace.

Dean took a few seconds, then placed his hands on Cas's shoulders, looking straight into his eyes. Castiel, however, seemed to be looking somewhere else, frowning. Dean turned back and saw the figure of the creature who had attacked the angel. When Dean looked back at Cas, Cas's eyes widened in what seemed to be realization, horror, or both.

Cas shivered violently. Fear was imminent in just about every motion he made, including his voice, although remaining low and gravely. "Dean, that man, he-"

Dean cut him off before he could finish. "Yeah, Cas. I know. You're safe now." Dean was surprised by the words out of his mouth. He near never said anything like that to anyone but Sam, but he could clearly see that Cas needed someone right now.

Cas hadn't stopped shaking, and this led Dean to recall the night the two had tried to summon Raphael… It led to him recall that Castiel was a virgin before the incident.

' _Dammit,'_ Dean thought. ' _An angel of the lord, billions of years old, and his first time had to be something like this.'_ Dean remembered that this was only his vessel, but technically, it was his considering Jimmy's soul had left the body. Nothing of this sort had happened to Dean, but he had read stories and seen videos pertaining to this subject, and he knew it would be difficult for Cas to recover.

"C'mon, Cas," Dean said, helping his friend stand steadily. It took only a moment for Cas to regain some of his strength. "Are you okay?"

Cas looked Dean in the eyes. "I'm fine."

Dean could tell it was a lie. He could always tell when his best friend was hurt, when he needed a shoulder to cry on. The only problem? He bottled up his emotions even more than Dean Winchester himself. Even when Cas was joyful, it was unlikely that he would express it to the level he felt.

Dean had forgotten that Benny was hovering somewhere about ten yards away. "Are you gonna introduce me, or are you two gonna keep doing that staring thing?" Benny projected in his heavy Louisiana accent. Dean shot a glare towards him, but Cas slowly turned towards him, mouth opened slightly, worry lines present.

"My name is Castiel. I am an angel of the lord," Cas struggled to speak out.

Benny scoffed inoffensively, chuckling a bit. "Yeah, I know who you are. Dean here won't shut up about you." Dean continued to keep his eyes in a slight squint. Cas seemed to notice.

"Dean, it's fine."

Dean frowned at the recently violated angel for a moment, studying his look of sympathy and pleading. "No, Cas, it's not okay! I leave you for two days and this son of a bitch," he gestured at the deceased creature on the ground, "had to-"

"Dean," Cas said sternly, all fear drained from his voice. "It wasn't your fault. I left you. If there was an angel _and_ a human here together, especially Dean Winchester and I, there is no way for either of us to survive. I just-" he sighed, "I got myself into this."

Dean wanted to object to Castiel's logic to the topic, to take any feeling from Cas that he had gotten himself into this. Part of him almost agreed, but that part wasn't his conscience, the one that held onto Cas. The single thing that kept Dean from arguing any farther was the pleading in his expression. Dean could easily tell that Cas wanted to drop the subject, and get away from the open, and back to Earth.

Dean knew that this wouldn't be the end of this situation, but Cas was right. Them being together wasn't safe. That's why they would have to keep moving, possibly an hour break every so often. Dean _had_ made the deal with Benny to get him out safely. Now, he just needed to make sure he could do the same for Cas. Dean looked into Cas's azure eyes and smiled just a little, enough for the gesture to be returned. Castiel welcomed Dean's sympathetic embrace, as it was warm, safe, and exactly what he needed to keep himself the composed angel he usually expressed as.

 **I feel relatively proud of this chapter, even if not much happens, and it's not overly rushed. I believe I'm doing well in the characterization, but please correct me if their characters seem a bit iffy. I have a lot of homework at the moment, so I expect the next chapter to come out in the next week or so. Thank you for reading, and reviews aren't mandatory of course, but sometimes they feel nice.** **(◕‿◕✿)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here we are again. I have been thinking about this fanfic nonstop for the past week. Writing it can be strenuating, since I do about 90% of my fanfiction writing in my head. thanks you to all the people who favorited/reviewed the last chapter. Here you go!**

 _The nightmares_

They were the worst part of this whole ideal. Castiel would wake up panting, the moment still being replayed over and over once more. Castiel wasn't normally capable of dreaming, or sleeping for that matter. Maybe it was the encounter, or maybe it was Purgatory itself, but Cas was definitely human now. Luckily, eating wasn't a requirement of inhabiting it, since it was only their souls' physical forms that resided currently. Dreams weren't something he thought he would have in this retched place, but Cas could see why. It was just another punishment. Dreams didn't exactly exist, as they were always hideous.

While it was happening, Castiel didn't realize what mental scarring it would leave. He assumed this ordeal would be a bit difficult to recover from, but not on this level.

` Castiel was sleeping, calling out in his slumber, sweating. Dean was keeping watch, Benny resting even though he didn't need it. He glanced at his companion, though it was difficult to see in the dark. Seeing Cas, one of the strongest people he had ever met, in this condition was worrisome. An angel wouldn't sleep. Dean came to the revelation that Cas was most likely being turned into a human because of the encounter. Figuring out if there were others like that creature was a big consideration, but escaping Purgatory was the main priority, no matter what. Dean wanted to comfort Cas, but that may be easier when every creature imaginable wasn't on the prowl for them.

 _Snap_

Benny's eyes shot open, Dean frantically looking side to side. When another crunch was heard, closer this time, he lifted himself in less than two seconds. Dean crouched next to Castiel's head and kept himself facing the direction that the sound had come from, hand placed on Cas's shoulder. He began to shake his hand.

"Hey, Cas. Cas, buddy you've gotta wake up. We've gotta go."

Cas frowned and opened his eyes. He sat up and stood silently and without a word, once he processed Dean's words. The three of them bolted away from the scene, nearly blind in the pitch-black darkness of the night.

There was very little sound, other than the crunch of the leaves beneath them, which were obviously not limited to their own foot steps. The first one to lag was surprisingly Benny, and he was tackled by one of the indistinguishable creatures.

"Benny!" Dean shouted.

Dean brushed the monster off with a vigorous sweep of his arm, and he quickly stabbed it with the weapon he had in hand. Short after, Dean was invaded by yet another creature. After getting a focus on it's face, he lost his adrenaline for moment out of shock.

The creature had a face in a twisted form, body robust, black-ish eyes barely visible under a deep eye socket covered by other heaps of skin. It was the same type of creature that had attacked Castiel.

Dean regained his focus, and swung his opponent to the ground, stabbing it the same way he had done with it's acquaintance. Dean and Benny were stood very close to each other, and Castiel stepped between them and lended a hand out to them both to help them stand. After that, they continued to walk until they found a safe clearing to rest at once again. Since Cas seemed to be in questionable shape already, Dean decided not to bring up the fact that more of his attackers lurked the woods of Purgatory.

 **~(*-*)~**

The night after the attack, Dean was about to fall asleep when his thoughts were reminded that they were ambushed by the same type of monster that harmed Cas. Though he already concluded that telling Cas right away wasn't a good plan, Dean would tell Benny.

Rather, Dean would ask Benny. He didn't need Benny speaking about Cas's encounter to the angel, since Castiel already had enough on his plate as it was. After checking that Cas was sound asleep, he turned his head to Benny in a way that made his position uncomfortable.

"Benny?" he whispered.

The vampire turned his attention to the hunter. "What?"

"You, uh, remember those bastards that attacked us yesterday?"

Benny nodded slightly. "What about 'em?"

"Are you familiar with them? Ever seen 'em lurking around before?"

Benny frowned, confused as to why Dean would really care. "No, I think they're probably an older species. The older ones are a lot rarer, so you probably won't see one again."

Dean nodded, then lied back down. He wondered why he had just been seeing them recently. If they were so rare, then why had he seen them twice since he got in Purgatory? Dean had his head shrouded with questions as he fell asleep.

 **~(*-*)~**

The next few months dragged on, seeming like every day was equal to a year. The trio remained routine in that time. Dean and Benny took turns taking watch, since they silently agreed that it'd be best if Cas got as much rest as possible. He was obviously trying extremely hard to hide his emotions, like he always had, but it took only the shouting in the night after it happened to unmask the veil.

Cas wasn't entirely sure why he was turning into a human. He assumed that his encounter had something to do with it. Maybe it sucked out his grace when he wasn't paying attention? No, Cas could still feel it hidden inside him. He was probably too emotionally weakened to be able to access his full potential.

Meanwhile, the group could feel that they were getting close to the portal out of Purgatory. As they walked on, the strength of the pull was more noticeable and constant to Dean and sometimes Cas. At one point, they were walking through the forest silently and Cas took Dean's left shoulder with his hand and admitted thanks.

"Dean, if the portal doesn't let me through, I just wanted to say thank you, for everything."

Dean felt like beaming, but then noticed the doubt lining the thanks. "Stow it, Cas, you're going to make it through."

"Dean, I'm not completely human. My grace still resides. There's no guarantee that an angel can pass."

Dean frowned and kept walking, leaving Cas to think that Dean was holding on to a hope that wouldn't come to be.

Finally, Benny stopped striding and put a hand up, signalling for Dean and Cas to stop walking. "Do you hear that?"

Dean and Cas paused and waited for a sound. There was a crackling that resembled sparklers alongside strong wind. Though they didn't feel wind or heat, they saw a huge blue tear in the sky. Benny nodded and both him and Dean cut their arms and shook hands as Dean recited some verses in Latin.

"See you on the other side, brother," Benny said right before disappearing into Dean's forearm.

Cas and Dean made eye contact and spontaneously nodded before walking in the direction of the tear.

As they got closer, they noticed that the portal was located at the top of a hill. They charged closer but Cas stopped.

"Leviathans."

Black pillars of smoke appeared, shooting small craters onto the ground. Two or three leviathans stood from their crouching position and immediately prepared to attack. Apparently, they were prepared to hitch a ride out with Castiel. Cas knew never to make that mistake again.

The two cooperated to take down the leviathans that were in their way. It was a very narrow battle, but they made it. With the adrenaline and stress running through their veins, even climbing up a small hill was difficult for them. They bolted up, ready to make it out of that hellhole. The blood and fighting was too much for either of them to handle anymore, so they sure as hell wanted to leave. At least, that's what Dean thought.

Dean stood in the midst of freedom, grime and sweat clutched to his skin, along with Cas's hand clinging to his. "Cas, come on!" he shouted over the sound of the portal. "We're almost there!"

Cas admired Dean's aura that still reflected a sort of organized chaos. He was so intent on his goal, so every obstacle seemed to roll over his head. How Dean could do that, Cas wasn't entirely sure. Maybe it was natural, ran in the family, or maybe he learned it from their previous year. Cas would never know for sure. He took a moment to absorb the wonderful heat of that hand, as it would be the last human contact he would have in a long while. It would be the last comfort he would feel until he served his penance.

Cas pushed the warmth away from him and yelled, "Go!"

Dean frowned, but stumbled back far enough to send him back to Earth. The portal shut immediately.

Cas took a step back and looked into the distance. _So enough of my grace resides that I couldn't have made it through anyway,_ Cas thought. Until he escaped, until it was possible, Cas would be left to strive on his own.

 **Alright, that chapter took forever to make. Most of my thoughts have been focused on what's going to happen after Cas escapes, so I haven't thought much about how the Purgatory storyline would go. It's 2:51 in the morning right now, so I guess I've been writing for an hour now. I originally was going to let Cas leave Purgatory with Dean, so that's why I had written the end like it had went in the actual show. I didn't actually go back to watch the scene, since it's very early and I'm rushing quite a bit. I figured that I wanted the Naomi story, since the scenes from Goodbye Stranger would be really fun to work with. Although I'm not a big sucker for fanfiction with lot's of plot, I think it'd be a fun challenge, and people might like it. The next chapter will go more into what the description captivates and have Sammy in it. I hope I can get around to writing it soon! Thanks for reading!**


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